🎬 GARDEN KEEPERS
“The First Day of Heaven (…and Already Someone’s in Trouble)”
Genre: Cosmic Comedy / Mythic Satire
INT. THE FIRST GARDEN – DAWN THAT HAS NEVER EXISTED BEFORE
A newborn light floods the world. The GREAT TREE erupts upward like a divine elevator that forgot to stop at any floors.
Two GARDEN KEEPERS appear in a puff of metaphysical dust:
MARY — earnest, anxious, pretending she knows what’s happening.
JANE — calm in the way only someone with zero context can be.
MARY
Okay… so… is this normal? Trees don’t usually explode upward like that, right?
JANE
Mary, this is literally the first tree in existence. We don’t have a “usually.”
A VOICE OF GOD booms from the highest branch.
VOICE OF GOD
“Whatever your eyes behold from this height is yours. This tree, and all it touches, shall belong to you and your children.”
Mary and Jane stare upward.
JANE
Did He just give us the whole tree?
MARY
I think so. (beat) Do we need to sign something?
EXT. THE GREAT TREE – CONTINUOUS
The WOMAN stands on the highest branch, perfectly balanced like she’s been doing this for lifetimes she hasn’t lived yet.
WOMAN
This is half mine and half His. A shared inheritance.
JANE
(whispering) So… like cosmic joint custody?
MARY
Please don’t say “custody” in front of God.
INT. HEAVENLY CLEARING – DAY
A colossal TREE OF WISDOM erupts from the ground like it overslept the apocalypse.
Only TWO birds exist so far:
THUNDERBIRD — born from water, unimpressed, early 40s.
FIREBIRD — born from earth and fire, chaotic, late 30s.
Thunderbird hovers over the primordial waters, then lands on a branch. Firebird chases a baby who has fallen from the Tree of Wisdom like overripe philosophical fruit.
GOD rises through the canopy like a dad trying to graft branches onto a cottonwood on a sacred mountain.
GOD
Behold! Whatever your eyes see from this height is yours.
THUNDERBIRD
So… everything?
GOD
Yes. Except for the tree in the next garden. That one is the truth. Been standing there so long it turned to stone. That garden belongs to Baba Yaga.
The TREE OF WISDOM rustles, offended.
TREE OF WISDOM
I have been married to that man since the beginning of time. His wood gets harder every day.
THUNDERBIRD
He’s still pollinating at his age?
TREE OF WISDOM
I can’t stop dropping cotton. Everything within five miles looks like a snowstorm.
GOD
(pauses, horrified) … I didn’t want to hear that.
Creation is off to a weird start.
EXT. THE GARDEN – NIGHTFALL
Night slams down like someone unplugged the universe. 14 DAYS OF DARKNESS begin.
Mary and Jane sit by a fire that keeps going out because the darkness keeps eating it.
JANE
Is this scheduled?
MARY
There is no schedule. We’re inventing time as we go.
EXT. THE PRIMORDIAL TREE – NIGHT
A SECOND TREE appears beside the first, perfectly symmetrical.
JANE
Okay, that one definitely wasn’t here before.
MARY
Which side is it on?
JANE
Left.
MARY
Your left or cosmic left?
JANE
There’s a difference?
EXT. TREE OF WISDOM – NIGHT
The world dims. Crickets have JUST been invented, and God immediately regrets it.
Thunderbird sits beneath a glowing, smoky tree — the MARY JANE TREE — which exhales like a relaxed volcano.
THUNDERBIRD
(startled) Uh… God? Are you okay up there?
GOD (O.S.)
(muffled inside the trunk) Totally fine! Just… doing divine things! Very normal!
The TREE OF WISDOM shakes like it’s trying to cough up a secret.
A FRUIT drops. It wiggles. It talks.
BABY #1
Hello, Mother. I bring tidings of epistemological clarity.
FIREBIRD
(screams) WHAT.
BABY #1
Also, I’m hungry.
Another fruit drops from the tree, and now two babies stand there in the center of this garden, speaking like tenured professors.
BABY #2
Mother, I have formulated a theory of ethics.
BABY #1
Mother, I have concerns about the structural integrity of our ecosystem.
FIREBIRD
I don’t even know what “ecosystem” means yet!
EXT. THE GREAT TREE – DAYLIGHT NIGHTS
The FIRST FRUITS of this garden are holy and hung themselves on the tree in sacred sacrifice. The Woman now watches them, solemn.
Suddenly—POP! A fruit bursts open and another NEWBORN CHILD emerges, and a third baby fully articulate alls out from the tree of Wisdom
CHILD #3
Mother, behold: I am Truth.
CHILD #2
And I am Wisdom.
CHILD #3
And I am Knowledge.
Mary and Jane freeze.
MARY
They’re… talking.
JANE
They’re babies.
MARY
Babies don’t talk.
JANE
Well apparently these do. (beat) Do we need to teach them to walk or do they just… auto‑update?
INT. GARDEN – MORNING
Thunderbird trudges through the garden, 3 BABIES clinging to her like overeducated koalas.
BABY #1
Mother, I have invented the concept of “tomorrow.”
THUNDERBIRD
Great. Can you invent “five minutes of silence”?
BABY #1
No.
They pass the Tree of Wisdom, which now looks exhausted.
God steps out from behind it, brushing bark off His robe.
GOD
So! How are the kids?
toght when God had said that here comes fourth a child that was another from another tree that was righteous from the this a fifth child was born and it was so good tha twhen they would speak it would like lies coming out of thier mouth.
FIREBIRD
They know more than I do!
GOD
Proud of them already.
FIREBIRD
You hid a Dryad inside the mother tree to protect them!
GOD
(defensive) It was symbolic!
THUNDERBIRD
It was weird.
GOD
Creation is a process!
The BABIES turn toward God.
BABY CHORUS
Father, we have several questions.
GOD
(backs away) Nope. Not today. I’m clocking out.
He vanishes in a puff of divine smoke.
EXT. THE GARDEN – DAY
The Great Tree stands alone, waiting for humankind to be ready.
Mary and Jane stand before it, holding gardening tools they clearly don’t know how to use.
MARY
So… we’re the Garden Keepers.
JANE
Yep.
MARY
And we have no idea what we’re doing.
JANE
Correct.
MARY
Perfect. (beat) Let’s not tell God.
They nod solemnly as the camera pulls back, revealing the vast, luminous Garden—beautiful, chaotic, and absolutely not ready for them.
FADE OUT.
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